I’m just writing to get my thoughts out and stop thinking about them because they aren’t exactly healthy.
Basically, I think I’ve failed at life. Or at least my early development. Going to school, I never applied for any clubs or academics because I didn’t care nor did I understand the point. It just sounded like unnecessary work to me. Now I know what academics are and now I find myself useless. I didn’t understand a lot of things. What they meant, how’d they affect me, because I didn’t care. But now I do care, because I realize how stupid I really am. I blame my ADHD on pretty much every negative aspect about myself, because it’s the reason why I’ve always been behind other people in terms of development. It takes me longer to learn things, develop new skills and such. It’s affected my future more than I thought, and I don’t think I should be here anymore. I’m a waste of space, a waste of human life. I have nothing to offer this world in terms of a useful job that can benefit me and others. PayPal will take money out of my account if I “break” their dumbass rules which don’t help me whatsoever. So, I’m just here, trying to survive for another for whatever reason. I rather just stop existing.
EDIT 11-15-2022
I see I’m still getting notifications on this post despite making another post saying I’m fine. The truth is I have terrible mood swings that start around 11 am, because that’s when I usually get productive, but that hasn’t been happening much recently which makes me rather depressed. Not having any real goals anymore has had me in a slump. The same day I made this post, I have lowered my medication dosage too, so now it’s become a fight between staying motivated vs overthinking.
This overall has ranged from terrible to mediocre. With friends becoming enemies and enemies becoming friends. Also, of those enemies to friends I made was the reason for a lot of what happened during the beginning of the year, but at this point I can’t get mad at them. Sadly a lot of that anger has been pointed to someone else who didn’t do anything wrong. Which is sad because they are very skilled have shown a lot of success this year, much of which I couldn’t enjoy.
It’s sad when you can’t enjoy someone’s work anymore because of what happened between the two of you. I do hope to talk to them again, just so I can let go of that anger, because deep down I really don’t want to be angry with them. Though it’s probably not gonna happen, and it probably won’t end well anyway.
Sorry for being vague about that part, I can’t really go into details.
Success just hasn’t been on my side this year, so at this point I’m just waiting for the year to end to start a new. I know I’m wasting valuable time in my life right now, but that’s just how I feel. I want to let everything that happened this year go and die in a fire to never return.
sackboy963
Damn, did not expect to find this on the artist news.
I know how you feel, I feel I should have done something productive during my childhood, but no I feel I wasted it. I could have practiced on my drawing skills since I constantly watched animations during my younger years and worked on a skill beneficial for the future ahead of me. Unfortunately I started this quite late during my high school years, and it still feels like its lacking. I'm around your age and I'm still attending college, meanwhile doing an independent course for my future with help from my folks who are willing to help me. I have similar ADHD problems as I constantly daydream 24/7, ever since as a child, which I can see has now bothered with my life more than ever. So these opportunities wouldn't be that problematic if not for my focus or attention problems, lack of motivation, and depressed mood swings from time to time.
I could list a couple of other problems I have but I feel they are no way related to the problems you're dealing with right now. Hell I even thought there's no point in me being born in this world and I should just off myself, which I almost tried to. My mother stopped me at that time and she started to break down in tears when she witnessed what I almost did to myself, that was something I could never forget seeing. Right now I'm just trying to get my community college phase over with, transfer to a university if possible, finish up my independent course for future careers, and make the most of what I can have in my life in case I lose it all (that last one could have been phrased better). I don't know if this anyway makes you feel any better, but I can understand what you're going through and how you feel right now, and it is a crappy feeling.
BLUBOT
The part with your mom, that’s some brutal stuff. Still, it’s amazing knowing you’re not alone, I hope you go to that University. Sounds much better than the college. That or I’m getting some things mixed up. Big lucks to you!